ET Love
by ncalkins
Summary: When Tony crash landed on Earth, he imprinted on America. Now after a failed attempt at wooing him the alien way, he's going to try the human way...Too bad America is taken. Chapter Quote:"This is worst then England's food..."
1. Chapter 1

ET Love chapter 1

By Ncalkins, don't own, ooc, slash, betaed

'_It's like he doesn't even care.'_

Tony thought as he watches America leave once again for England. '_F*cking Limey, stealing my intended mate.'_

That's right, when Tony landed he imprinted on America. Of course, it took a while for these feelings to take hold. If he had left, if his spaceship wasn't destroyed, this troublesome wants would have long disappeared and Tony wouldn't be surfing the web on how courting worked for the human (nation) species. Tony still remembered the embarrassing mistake he made trying to court America in his own species way.

He had tried to take an interest in what his mate liked, which was these delightful video games. He had learned more about his mate, asking what ears were. He had made his mate happy by cursing at random people and not killing the limey that dared to try (is) stealing his America. He then started the next faze which was complimenting, whispered words of love told to the intended. If they did not return the feelings, they would react violently and proceed to beat the shit out of the courtier or they would walk away. America did neither; he laughed…laughed at Tony's feeling! Apparently, the language of love for Tony's people sounded like a purring/ barking mix. Something that the lower (higher?) forms that are kept as pets (masters?) did.

Then he tried to do the final stage, a traditional mating ceremonial dance. He lit up the sky with different colored lights, each one writing in his own language- a trait that he loved about America. To make it even better, he did something that only a few chose to do and only to the ones they were sure they wanted to be with their whole life. He started to sing; he sang in the same tune, as the one America seemed to love. The one America got misty eyed over every Fourth of July when he blasted it out of his speakers at the final part of the sky show. It seemed to be going well, America had begun to hum with him, a sure sign that he was responding well; Tony had his attention. Tony put all his heart in the finishing, making different symbols appears in the sky. Then it stopped, all sound was gone and everything was darker then before. Tony waited for America to respond, to accept him, or reject him- it was neither.

"Dude, Tony, it's not the fourth of July! But thanks for the early birthday present!"

Just thinking about the incident made Tony feel incredibly small. He was about to give up on the search when his red eyes caught a saying,"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Thinking back, America did eat a lot especially those hamburger things. Tony jumped up from the computer desk and started mumbling excitedly. He had to make something for America, then his mate would be his!

"Hey, Tony, I'm home!" America called as he closed the door behind him. The date with England had ran longer then he expected, it was great. They ate lunch, watched TV, gave each other "massages", and the nap afterward wasn't bad either. America peered around; it looked like Tony wasn't in except there was a faint orange glow coming from the dining room/kitchen.

The truth was America felt a little weary around Tony lately. He had been acting weird. Normally America could brush it off, but as it was, the strangeness involved him to an astronomical level.

'_Then again, I am Tony's only friend. Maybe he's just trying to share his culture with me?'_

However, as America looked into the dining room/kitchen there was no explanation for this. Tony was standing to the side, wearing a pink apron America didn't even know he had. On the table was a steak dinner with red wine by candle light. There was also some bread and salad.

"Wow Tony, what's up dude?" America stepped into the room and wondered, '_What's that smell?'_

"Dinner. You will eat with me." It was a demand. America gulped, seeing red eyes stare at him with intent.

"Okay, I'll just sit down." America grabbed a wooden chair and sat on the velvet red cushion.

He grabbed his knife and fork; he began to cut the stake and noticed Tony was already eating but still gazed at him with laser eyes.

America glanced down at his steak and froze. Blood was leaking out of the"cooked" steak. His hands started to shake; Nantucket began to shiver. He didn't know what Tony was playing at, but he knew he wasn't going to eat that.

"On second thought, maybe I'll have some of the bread and salad."America gave a nervous laugh as he got up and grabbed a plastic bowl.

He walked back to his chair. He saw Tony had pushed the bread and the salad toward him. As he sat down he smiled, shaking, and said,"Thanks dude."

Just when he was about to place the tongs into the salad, the smell hit him. The "fresh" salad was rotting, some of the greens on top looked edible. However, as the food got closer to the bottom it changed. The leaves had started to turn brown- and finally at the very bottom it was pure, revolting, black mush.

America hurriedly place the tongs and bowl down. He pushed it away and said;"Never mind!"

He reached for the bread and tried to break a piece of it off. It wouldn't; the loaf was rock hard. It looked all right, golden brown. America took a sniff. It smelled all right too, if you could filter out the rotting salad smell- which America totally could with his rockin' nose!

"Hey Tony, could you cut this for me. It's as hard as a rock!"

Tony happily grabbed the bread from his mate. '_He's emitting a weakness! That means he trust me; just a few more steps and he'll be all mine!'_

Tony whipped out a tube shaped hand-held laser and cut the bread in half; and while the outside looked okay, the inside was molding green with white puffs. America adopted a look of horror as Tony placed a piece of old bread onto his plate.

"Y-you know what Tony, I'm not hungry! So, I'll just be in the living room playing video games. HAHHAhaha." America finished with a nervous laugh he had no idea why Tony was trying to kill him.

America rushed out of his seat and darted to the door. He was just out the room when Tony said, "Get your ass back here before I tentacle rape you."

America peeked into the door, feeling really nervous for some reason; it felt like he was going to be violated. "You say something dude?"

"Eat." Tony demanded, and America found himself sitting in under 2 seconds flat.

He meekly poked at the steak, blood welling around the fork with each stab. '_This is worse then England's food. At least his is cooked.'_

"Hey, Tony, do you have this food back home?" America stabbed a piece of steak, lifted it, and stared.

"No. Why?"

"N-No reason."

America looked from the steak, to Tony, who was once again staring at him from across the table. Just as America was screwing up his courage to try to choke this down, his cell rang from his pocket. He dropped the fork in a hurry and scrambled for his phone.

"America, how the bloody hell did you leave your underwear here?"

America smiled, he saw a way out. "Hey dude, so we need to meet up for that conference?"

"What are you talking about? Is this a prank? America, I don't have time for this!"

"Okay, okay, I'll head over right now. Hold on, I'll get my coat." America tossed a look at Tony, who looked strangely disheartened.

"Tony, I have to go, business is calling." America rushed to the door with Tony following behind him. America put on his bomber jacket, he turned around and jumped when he saw Tony not even two feet away from him.

"Eheheh, Tony, dude, personal space." America waved his hands in front of him and thankfully Tony backed off.

"Take food." Tony held up America's plate with the rank food on it.

"W-well, I, that is," America looked into Tony's red eyes and sighed; he couldn't lie to his buddy. "Tony, no offense but your food sucks worse then England's."

A indignant sound came from the phone. "Excuse me, you wanker! My food is perfectly fine thank you very much. You love my food!"

"Worse then Limey's?" America winced at the sliver of hurt that slipped into Tony's voice.

"America, are you listening to me? Don't ignore me!"

"Yeah, it's pretty bad. You need to cook the food and make sure it's not rotten. If you want to learn about human food, watch a cooking show or take lessons." America said as he skirted around Tony, who was staring at the plate in his hands.

"Are you okay, Tony?" Tony turned to America and looked into his concerned blue eyes.

"F*cking fine bastard."

America sighed in relief, even with the angry dial tone ringing in his ear. Apparently, England had hung up. "That's good dude. Hey, you know being bad at something isn't that bad of a thing. You have nothing to do but get better if you work at it."

Red eyes brightened a little as America turned and walked away. His mate believed in him and that was enough. America hit redial and as soon as England picked up, he started apologizing.

"Hey, sorry I didn't talk to you that much. I'll be over soon."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY COOKING IS BAD?!"

"What? I didn't say that!"

"'Tony, no offense but your food sucks worse then England's.'"England did a reasonably good impression of America.

"I don't sound like that!" America argued back, standing right in front of the door. He always felt a need to stand still when he verbally fought, otherwise he couldn't sit still.

"Besides, I was just trying to make Tony feel better."

"What do you mean?"

At least England didn't sound like a fire breathing dragon anymore.

"He made us dinner."

"That thing can eat?!" 

"Yes, the steak was raw, the salad decomposing, and the bread was rotting. I'm also pretty sure the wine was blood."

"See, this is why I want you to get rid of it! I don't care if you say it's your friend, it's trying to kill you!"

"Dude, two things. One- Tony is a alien and I'm pretty sure Tony's a he. I don't know, I never asked." America ignored the snort and grinned as he turned the door handle. "Second, Tony is not trying to kill me, he's my bud and he's your's too."

"That thing is not my friend."

Tony broke the plate in his hands, red eyes glowing in anger.

"F*cking Limey."

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	2. Chapter 2

_**ET Love chapter 2**_

By Ncalkins, don't own, ooc, slash, betaed, **bold is website/information from web, **info from websites will be paraphrased.

Tony was once again on the web searching for new ways to win America over. It was early in the morning about five o' clock, at six America will be up and leaving for the eight o' clock meeting. After all, it wouldn't be very heroic if the hero was late!

Tony smiled slightly, he loved his mate to bits however sometimes he could be a little over zealous. It was charming; however, the other nations didn't always appreciate his enthusiasm. Tony frowned slightly as he typed into Google **'ways to get your man' **he clicked on the first link and found nothing of true interest.

He clicked on a different link called '**how to make a man fall in love,' **this one seemed promising.

'**Minimum System Requirements.' (1)**

The first step talked about something called a "league" and "scale".

"Scale?" Tony whispered, what does a measuring system have anything to do with finding a life partner?

It went on to say how guys would go for a women that are pulse or minus one their league and women can jump three or more their league.

Tony sat back and wondered about this league and scale it seemed like a way to rate potential mates. Wanting more information he Googled **'what is a dating scales'**, Tony found his answer on a question answer website.

'**The dating scale is a list of things to do or pay attention to when starting a new relationship.'**

Tony hummed and decided to dive deeper into the topic, maybe it could help with winning his mate over. He typed in **'What to do when starting a new relationship.'**

He clicked on the first link that came up it took him to the website ezinearticles, it gave the top 10 ways to make sure you end up with a healthy and happy relationship.

**1) Let the man take the lead, surrender that he may want to make some decisions regarding you two. **America already made most of the decisions if only because Tony was still trying to study human habits and still had no idea what most things were. (The only reason he knew how to use such a primitive computer is because America explained it to him.)

**2) Don't tell him your life story on the first date. You could scare your guy if you do that. **Tony lived with America he wasn't sure if that counted. Though now that he thought about it neither of them have told of their past, they just bonded over the present.

**3)Let him talk about his job. **Tony already knew what America did so that wasn't much help.

**4) Introduce him to friends and family as soon as you know he's the one. **That might be helpful though Tony might have trouble convincing America to go to his home planet. Especially if he thinks that how Tony cooked is the same for everyone on his planet and don't even get started on the trouble Tony would have convincing America's boss.

**5) Observe how he handles situations. **Again Tony lived with America he saw him solve things on a day to day bases.

**6) If there is children, introduce them as soon as possible. **There where no children, though sometimes Tony had to wonder if the states where about. Each state technically has their own government….No there's no children as far as Tony was concerned.

**7) Share what issues are important to you. **Tony did that with America. More then once they talked about politics and issues of the world. They also shared things that bug them, though this could be talking about the past which Tony only knew about the history aspect not the human emotional aspect.

**8) Find what kind of marriage his parents had, that could reflect how he will treat you. **Tony wasn't even sure if America had parents….

**9) If you have a disagreement talk it out. **That could be hard, both of them could be pig headed….Then again they've been in the same house for years now and haven't fought yet. Not like the limy tries to talk out their fights….Why are they still together?!

**10) Let the relationship develop naturally. **Tony blinked at this one. They've been together for years, then again he just started wooing America last year.

"Morning Tony." America yawned as he passed the living room, Tony turned in his chair and saw America getting out food to make breakfast.

"Morning." Tony said, America placed bread in the toaster and asked as he poured some coffee, "So, what are you reading?"

"Dating Scale."

"Really? Try the Urban Dictionary that place has some weird definitions." America said as he took a sip of coffee. He placed the cup down and went over to the eggs he pulled out and began to crack them to make scrambled eggs.

"Like one time I looked up Spamano," Tony threw America a confused it. America answered with out looking up from his eggs. "It said, Spamano refers to the yaoi pairing between the clueless and oblivious character Spain and the hormonal, PMS-y bitch that is Southern Italy (Romano) in the Hetalia fandom."

America laughed as he grabbed some ham, tore it to pieced then mixed it with cheese and the eggs. "I think we really should have tried to talk about Japan making that anime about us…Oh, well. As they say hiding in plan sight is the best place to hide, that and now if we appear in public everyone thinks we're just cosplayers."

America chuckled as he collected his cooked food, he grabbed some OJ from the fridge along with a apricot. America began to eat as Tony began to type.

Tony typed in dating scale into the Urban Dictionary search what came up was:

1. F.I.T Scale, this was a rating scale that went from fit: attractive to Fhi-h-h-h-it?! Which according to this person did not exist.

This didn't help at all so Tony decided to look up something else, America walked by saying, "I'm gonna take a shower good luck finding what you need dude."

After several minutes of looking Tony felt like bashing his head in. This so called Urban Dictionary was no help! It just gave these stupid answers, well America didn't say it would help he just said it would be interesting.

"Fucking, primitive knowledge, no help in getting mates how this species has procreated so much to fill this planet is beyond me."

America's shower continued to run, Tony wondered around the house until he noticed America mobile phone. He flipped it open and growled at the sight of England glaring at the on holding the phone.

'_What dose that Fucking Limy have that I don't?!' _Tony thought feeling slightly hysterical.

He looked at the picture of England. Giant eyebrows, blond messy hair, emerald green eyes, a scowl that could make the most hardened man run for the hills and a look in those eyes that showed the deeply buried empire still raging strong within his bones.

Then Tony looked at himself in the hallway mirror. Grey ruff skin, he was kind of shaped like a bowling pin, red eyes with no pupil, no ears, small mouth, three fingers on each hand….

'_Maybe, it's physical appearance.' _Tony thought and smiled, he knew what he had to do!

He looked up various pictures of people that were deemed attractive, once he had a idea of what was the best features he used a special power that his people used to blend in with the natural environment. He heard the shower go off and walked over to the bathroom door.

America dried off his hair and hummed to himself, today was going to be a great day he knew it. A knock came from the door, America dropped the towel and pulled on his boxers that said on the back "Let Freedom Ring".

He put his hand on the door knob and twisted it saying, "Tony, you need something bro?"

He open the door and screamed, in front of him was a grey blob of mixed matched body parts. There was about five arms, eight legs, twelve eyes, three smiles, all types of colored hair in random place and several embarrassing body parts that are usually covered.

He slammed the door closed and leaned against it. "TONY WHAT THE HELL?!"

A gurgled response came from the door.

"What?" America called trying to calm his raging heart.

"I'm trying to blend in with humans."

"Tony dude." America ran a hand through his hair. "Two things. One, there is a human anatomy book in the library. Two, there are two forms of human. The man and the woman, pick one."

He heard foot steps walk away and sighed, "Well at least I didn't get into the thought of there being more then one gender depending on the culture…."

America leaned his head down and rubbed his head, "Please," He begged. "please let whatever is going on be some weird form of alien puberty."

With that America got dressed and left for the meeting.

As he drove, he muttered to himself, "Okay, ruff morning but things will get better." He smiled, "Yeah, it will get better. I'll go to the meeting, hang with England and hopefully Tony will get over whatever is going on and stop behaving like a monster from a horror movie."

He shivered as he remembered what Tony had looked like when his opened the bathroom door. "I think I'll spend the night at England's tonight, yeah have to protect him from monsters, killers and his old man ways."

Finally, it was done. After reading that book from the library and deciding that England was in fact a male….Though Tony was still unsure but was unwilling to check. He had completed the perfect look. The good thing was he still kind of looked like himself. He smirked at he looked into his mirror. Smooth creamy skin, dark red eyes and dark grey messy hair on his head. He was 5ft 9in in height and strait pearly whites.

"America won't know what hit him."

He said fisting his hand and holding it level with the side of his head as he smirked. He went over to he "closet" which is were he keeps most of his spare gadgets. He dug around pushing past random wires, blocks of steel and strange glowing lights until he found what he was looking for.

It was a wrist watch or at least it looked like it. It could tell time, but it also zaps any type of clothes you want from any place in the world. You don't even have to be specific you can just say, "I would like to look good enough to impress my future mate."

Which is what Tony said and it worked out pretty well. He was in a second dressed in a silk red shirt. Semi-tight black pants, that had faded white spots on the knees. Black sneakers and a chocker with the USA flag on it.

Tony fingered the flag and smirked; now everyone would know he belongs to America. If only he could find a way to make America wear a tag with his name on it….That is a job for a later time.

He grabbed the keys to America's extra car and drove to the meeting place. The meeting was just letting out. America was talking to England with a albino gagging behind them. As Tony parked the car his blood boiled at the sight of England stepping closer to America brushing his hand on America's shoulder and down his arm. America grabbed England's hand and held it despite England's half hearted protest.

Tony claimed out of the car hearing England's voice. "You git, I do not want to hold your hand! I was just brushing off some lint on your shoulder!"

America laughed until his spotted the car, and the stranger walking toward them. "Hey, is that my car?!"

England turned to look at what America was staring at and his eye narrowed and not at the car. His eyes narrowed at the grey haired man walking toward them with a wanting look in his red eyes that were staring at America. The man raised his hand and said, "Hey America! Do you like the new look?"

America blinked at the familiar voice, he took a closer look at the man that was now standing right in front of them. England stepped in front of America; his eyes spitting acid toward the grey haired man.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" England barked; normally he would try to be more gentlemanly but right now he didn't care about appearances.

"I'm Tony."

America blinked, and then grinned with surprise. "Tony! Dude what happened to you?!"

Tony preened placing a hand on his hip he ran his other hand through his hair, and looked at America with hooded eyes. "Like what you see?" Tony said putting some of his species courting purr into his voice.

America began to feel uncomfortable as he remembered what Tony hand put him though lately, what if this was just another plot? He edged behind England, and fisted England's suite. England's green eyes slide to the side; looking at what part of America's face he could see, the poor boy looked so uneasy. England felt protective feelings well up inside him, no one messed with his America.

"What is your business here?" England demanded his green eyes slicing into Tony.

Tony looked at England coldly, then turned his red eyes to America, and they warmed at the sight of blue eyes that…looked slightly off from their usual happiness. Tony shrugged it off, and asked.

"America would you like to go out to lunch with me?"

England move away from America and to his side. America stuttered looking at Tony with worried eyes, he really did not want to go with him. England snaked his arms around America's right one, and he tugged America toward him.

"So, sorry." England drawled giving Tony a bored look. "He's going out to lunch with me."

"I am?" America asked confused, England gave him a sharp look. "O-oh, I am! Sorry Tony!"

Tony felt disappointment rise inside of him like the sun on a new morning. Then, he felt anger shatter any calm he may have had as England opened his mouth again.

"He'll be spending the whole day with me and all the night as well, in fact don't even expect him back tomorrow he probably won't even be able to stand much less walk strait." England gave a sly look toward the blushing America as a man drove his car up. He led America to his car; and gently pushed the still blushing man into his car.

"Prussia!" England called snapping the white haired ones attention from the now uncovered Tony. Red eyes clashed with green once more in curiosity this time instead of anger. England tossed a pair of keys toward Prussia. "Drive America's car back home."

"When the hell did you get those?!" America asked looking at England with alarm.

Prussia bristled at the order. "Who the hell are you to give me! The awesome Prussia a command! I should beat the shit out of you!" Prussia yelled and England ignored him as he got into the car.

As the two countries drove off, Prussia could hear America yell out; "Don't crash my ride Prussia!"

A few minutes later Prussia and Tony as the stared at the car turning the corner could hear America yelp.

"England! Don't touch me there! Concentrate on the road!"

Prussia sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "So, unawesome." Bright red eyes turned to the one called Tony.

Prussia slinked over to the fuming alien and slung his arm over Tony's shoulders. Tony's surprised dark red eyes met Prussia's mirthful bright red ones.

Prussia laughed and joyously said, "You look a lot like me! Hey, we can tell people we're twins you can be the evil one and I'll be the good one…Or the one that everyone thinks is good but is secretly evil or…."

Prussia rambled on taking no notice of Tony's growing aggravation. Tony shrugged off Prussia's arm, a gesture he had seen America perform many times before. Prussia ceased his rambles and turned to Tony with interested. Tony's red eyes was covered with shadows his head was bowed and he said not a word.

"Hey, so something wrong?" Prussia asked uncomfortable with the silence.

Without a word Tony elevate his leg back and flung it forward with full force, catching Prussia in the family jewels. With a pained cry Prussia went down, Tony calmly walked around the gasping nation and got into America's car then he drove home fuming all the way.

Prussia groaned and gently uncurled himself from his fetal position. "So, unawesome."

He dragged himself off the ground and limped to where America's car had been brought to the curb. He limped over and got in sparing a glance at the leaving car carrying his evil twin.

"Yeah, you keep running. I should kick your ass you unawesome loser." He turned the key and started the engine, if came to life a then he was off like a shot toward his hotel. "Just you wait evil twin of mine. I might be the good twin but I'll get my revenge."

Review, sorry it took so long! College and the computer's on the fritz. Also I feel like Pirate Iggy somehow wormed his way into this chapter.

**1) www. instructables id/ How-to-make-a-man-fall-in-love/. No spaces.) (A/N: this web has some spelling mistakes. I was just going to type what it said but I wasn't too sure about it so I summarized it.)**

**2) answerparty question /answer / what-is-a-dating-scale**

**3) ezinearticles ?Starting-A-New-Relationship-With-A-Man-10-ways-To-Make-Sure-You-Will-Have-A-Lasting-Relationship&id=992035**


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